Moons over Miami

So, last Friday on my way up from the Keys I stopped over in Miami
with the idea of seeing the beach until the weather forced me to do
otherwise. It's rainy season in Florida and that means a shower every
afternoon.
I took the opportunity to see a rather by the numbers Mike Myers in
The Love Guru and then headed to a happy hour drink n' run (not a
hash!) that some of the hashers in Miami/Ft. Lauderdale were
having.that evening.
I arrived on time (strange...) and found another visiting hasher, Head
Teller from the BVD hash in Melbourne, FL. He had also brought his
brother Jay and a virgin named Mike.
We sat for a beer and, not seeing other hashers I walked over to the
other bar in the place and found Cumming or Going and Stenchy Wench.
We all gathered together as more hashers arrived, had a few more beers
and then Cumming said that with all the visitors we might as well have
a proper hash then went to purchase flour and beer!
When Cumming came back we all met in the parking lot, went over chalk
talk and then took off after the hare.
Trail was a well marked, light shiggy affair about 5 miles in length.
It reminded me a lot of the urban shiggy Vegas trails and was a lot of
fun.
We even went along train tracks as a locomotive went by and honked at us.
The only trail peril was when Head Teller, his brother and Mike jumped
a 12 foot chainlink fence to screw around in a boot camp type obstacle
course, getting chased out by security and having Jay gash his hand
pretty severely on the jump back over.
It's not a real hash trail unless there's blood, right?
Circle was a quick affair with the usual celebra, with the exception
that I got to guest RA.
Now I'm up in New Smyrna Beach hanging out with Fecal Fucker who's
giving me crash space while I'm here. Last night I hashed with Daytona
Beach H3 (update on this soon!) and tomorrow, Gainesville!

The Keys

Most of this past week (roughly Tuesday through Thursday) was spent in
Key West. In order to safe on boarding costs I drove there overnight,
getting there around 1:30 am, sleeping in my car overnight so I could
get a full day first thing without spending for a room.
Spent the day doing the usual tourist sightseeing of Hemmingway's
home, Mile Marker 0 (literally the end of the road) on US Highway 1
and the Southernmost point in the Continental U.S. which is roughly 90
miles from Cuba.
Then took a ghost tour of the island, learning some of Key West's
unique history, including the doll that inspired the Chucky films.
I had a checklist for the Keys, and I'm pround (gonna do a down-down
for this) to say I've completed it. This list entailed.
Having a Cheeseburger in Paradise and Margarita at the original
Margaritaville (no, Jimmy Buffet wasn't there)
Eating a genuine slice of Key Lime Pie (much more tart than the west
coast edition, also available in Pie on a Stick form, dipped in
chocolate)
Drinking a beer at the Hog's Breath Saloon (Because hog's breath is
better than no breath at all), having a beer at Capt. Tony's (the
original Sloppy Joe's which was Hemmingway's favorite bar), the new
Sloppy Joe's and eating fresh seafood from the Raw Bar (oysters,
clams, shrimp, conch)
Snorkling on a reef
Sailing on a catamaran
Swimming in 2 oceans at the same time (The Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico).
Overall it was a blast, but too pricey. I could've went a week or 2 in
the Pacific Islands for what I spent in Key West.
I did make an attempt to contact the Key West H3 while I was there,
but it was the last day and I was unsuccessful.
Key West was a needed break from the de rigors of constant road
whoring to different hashes, but I'm ready to return to the ilk of our
kind.
Just with less mosquitoes!

Sex On On In The City

"Jacksonville is gay, hey!"
Apparantely that is not a disrespectful statement out here. It's a
hash, go figure!
The fine folks who put me up in Augusta, GA were Pixel Dick, Spank my
Spud! and Dead Peter Beater, all grand folk!

Back to JaxH3... This marked the return of the Sex On On event as they
(the hash) have been banned from every hotel on the beach (where they
usually hold it), so they picked a place in the city this year.
Friday night's prelube trail was a quick bar-hopping jaunt that
culminated at a riverside bar that the hash rented out. Limp Dick
provided live music via acoustic guitar as everyone danced, chatted
and had a good time.
Saturday's trail was a 6+ miler with 2 beer stops and one hell of a
wonky eagle trail that put the few of us who did it on the rich
(extremely ghetto) part of town. It eventually met up with the turkey
leg all of a street away from the initial split.
There were Extra Credit stops along the way (bars you could go into to
buy your own beer) a few dozen tit and yak (package) checks, a
monorail ride (that everyone got on the wrong train for), and a train
track crossing that cut it a little close!
Outside of some iffy marking after the second beer stop, it was a long
and fun hash trail.
After a lively circle we gathered for the Hash Olympic games where we
competed in both teams and individually at events like mini bicycle
races, balloon toss, taco and banana eating (done in reverse) and
something to do with a hula hoop. I was fortunate to earn a bronze
(mini bar bottle of Jim Beam) in the group event with silver getting
Bacardi and gold getting Cuervo Gold.
After the olympics we all showered and changed into togas for the toga
pub crawl. Again we wound our way through the streets and across the
river bridges of downtown Jacksonville, culminating in our ending at
the same riverside bar we were at on Friday night. This time we had a
DJ and Pizza Hut pasta (amazingly good!) and more dancing and
drinking.
Jacksonville throws an amazing event. Really a blast! GM CHiPS and RA
Cooter Recruiter kept things moving clean and efficient. I met some
great hashers who've all offered to help me meet both Florida and
overseas hashers along the way. Even helped me put in perspective the
car wheel piss thing. It's all good now! Hash territory I suppose.
I'm in Cocoa Beach now, about to go have dinner with a girl who was in
my surf lesson class.
The bartender at my bar hashed a bit, going to try and get her back into it!
On-On!

Fear No Shiggy in Atlanta

It's been an incredibly busy week in the hashing sense, so I've got several different hashes to comment on, almost all in Atlanta. I'll try and be brief just because I'm on borrowed computer time here at the hotel.
After attending the S.L.U.T. trail on Thursday, I balanced out a decision to attend a Darkside/Southern Comfort hash on Friday. To break it cleanly, SoCo hashes are known for their ultra-shiggy (practically class 4 hurricane level) and Darkside hashes are generally 10+ miles in length.
I know this is read mostly by hashers, but for those uninitiated to our slang, shiggy is basically anything you probably wouldn't normally run on. Off the beaten trail type terrain. In Las Vegas that's dry creek beds, desert shrub, marsh/wetlands, drainage channels, etc. Here in Atlanta it's similar except for the lack of a better word, shiggier. Briars, briar vines, waist deep swamp, etc. Throw in the abundance of ticks this summer and you better have your DEET!
So, back to the Darkside/SoCo trail. It took roughly a mile to a mile and a half to hit shiggy, but it was like rushing into the ocean to meet a wave half-way. It started with a slide down a hill in thigh deep shrubbery and dead leaves, grabbing onto branches of nearby trees for support. It continued to weave in between the trees once we got to the bottom before leading us right to knee deep creek water running through concrete tunnels under... whatever they ran under.
Trail was marked mostly in strips of toilet paper (flour would have been useless once we got in the jungle) and wove us for miles through the backwoods of Atlanta. The few times we broke out from the trees we were running through extremely run down apartment complexes (Hareline half-jokingly suggested a kevlar vest with the usual flashlight and whistle) where more apartments were vacant with broken in doors and windows than occupied. Then it was back into the jungles of Atlanta.
About 2 or 3 miles in, while going through a tunnel of waist deep water (reddish brown and foul smelling) my headlamp popped off and was lost (like hell I'm going to try and retrieve it).
About a mile and a half after that we reached the first water stop and I went from the middle of the pack to the back end (there were... 7 or 8 of us), sandwiching myself between Skin Flute Pie and Dain Bramage so I could visually feed off of their lights.
Without a light of my own, I continually got caught in brambles and briar vines, resulting in scratches and cuts on my legs that seem to be staying. Cool!
We finished after roughly 10.5 miles and 4 hours of hardcore hashing trail. The hare, Richard Calamari (Squid Dick), did an excellent job of laying out trail. We were rarely off trail and never felt lost, which is a plus anytime a hash goes over 6 miles in general.
The circle was done mostly in the SoCo style. As a first timer I had to do a down-down from a shitty beer that was left in someone's car for 6 months (temperature flux) and the only song they sing is Zulu Warrior.
I arrived back at Pumpt'kin's place at roughly 3 to 3:30ish in the morning.

The next day was the Atlanta H4 (Hash House Harriers and Harriettes), with a trail laid by Portugese Water Dog and Diaper Dan.
Through a combination of being beat to shit by the previous nights trail and a 100 degree day, there wasn't much in me to run this. I ended up walking the majority of trail and hanging with the middle of the pack, coming in last to the Beer Stop (not Check out here, they call them Stops). The DFL walkers had found a map of trail on trail and shortcut to the end before even the FRB's got to the Beer Stop.
After the stop, I followed Camel Toe and Coffee Bean down a long tunnel, only to get circle jerked at the end and brought back to where we went in down a different tunnel. We took a creek down the road a ways before exiting onto the road.
I fell behind in the creek and when I got on the road I couldn't see anyone. Found an abandoned part of trail (they decided not to lay that way and switched direction but didn't erase the flour) and looped myself back around into another circle jerk back to the BS... yay (no, there wasn't any more beer).
I re-traced my steps (minus the big tunnel circle jerk) and finally saw flour about 30 yards away from the mark exiting the creek on the side of a tree across a parking lot.
I got back on trail, and followed it for another mile before getting off trail again on an unmarked turn. By then PWD was driving down the road looking for me. I got in and autowanked to the end.
Circle was entertaining and brief as we all had to get ready for Pine Lake H3's Prom From Hell that evening.
PWD gave me a Goodwill Suit he bought that didn't fit him (or me actually, the 40 in. waist was actually a 32, the best I can squeeze is a 34).

Prom From Hell that night was a lot of fun. Drink, dancing, drink, pictures, drink, Flabongo, drink, food, drink and drink. The usual!

Sunday was Black Sheep H3's trail. Much like SoCo, Black Sheep is known for their ultra-shiggy. And to be quite honest, the hares Colonol (sp?) Clit and Little Willy even out-did Squid Dick on the Darkside/SoCo trail in terms of shiggy. I learned the term "hamster tunnel" where the briars and vines are so entwined with the trees that you have no choice but to squeeze yourself as small as possible while navigating the trail. We ran down creeks, over briar patches and into swamp. Trail was probably 90% in the jungle and compared to DS/SC, poorly marked on the second half. To top it off, it was during the day and a brutal six and a half miles. More scratches, but since I could see what/where I was stepping, I was largely able to circumvent anything too gnarly. Though I did get a major slice on the back of my achilles from one briar vine that refused to let go. I should mention that there is poison ivy absolutely everywhere, enough that you really don't take it into too much concern while hashing. You may wear long socks and tights to help with that and the briars, and the ticks, but it's an inevitability. Just bring some 91% rubbing alcohol and wipe down with it at the end of trail. It must work because while I did every trail in running shorts and short socks, I haven't contracted ivy poisoning at all.
For the most of this trail I was in the middle of the pack with Lost and Fucked, Vegetative State (who gave me a ride from Pumpt'kin's) and Skin Flute Pie. The FRB's were long out of sight and sound, but apparantely were adjusting the trail TP to better mark it for us in the back.
We all hung together extremely well, going into a waist deep swamp where I discovered the danger of underwater logs, resulting in a nasty bruise on my outer thigh (oops!). You also have to be careful of Pungee Sticks, the trees that beavers cut down which can be extremely nasty to fall upon.
Trail was lost in the swamp, we circled back upon ourselves, before finally finding marks that led us to under the 404... on the wrong side of the water. Somehow the hare lost part of his pre-lay, and didn't connect the trail he was laying from the On-In to the trail he had laid.
Lost and Fucked called the hares from under the bridge while Vege and I scouted ahead for possible trail. Meanwhile the DFL's caught up and Dain Bramage zenned across the water to the other side, where she found trail. We crossed over in time to run into Little Willie who was sent to come fetch us.
Circle at Black Sheep was probably the most entertaining of all the Atlanta area hashes. Complete with ice sitting, long down-downs and a rule that the hares have to bring a new song to circle. Little Willie and Colonal Clit arriving with a trail rendition of Old McDonald.
I was also presented with Kylie, the Hottest Chick in Copenhagen, to bring with me overseas and present to the Netherland's hash. Apparantely Hugh Heifer and CB&T picked her up while at Interhash in Perth, Australia. Now the little "bird dance" squawking robotic chicken needs a ride home and I've been charged with the task!

Monday was the Moonlight Monday hash, which included a reportedly excellent and low grade shiggy (ivy, water) trail that no one actually ran. The hares laid too close to a Wheelhopper (another area hash) trail that was set a couple weeks prior, everyone arrived at the first check and found the wrong trail to follow. Eventually everyone either went back to the start, shortcut to the end or was out for a REAL LONG TIME. The hares were damn near DFL's to their own hash. We finished at a pizza place and had circle whilst sitting at our tables eating. The hares, Doggystyle and Pippi Longcocking.

Tuesday was Two Four Tuesday, a 4 mile trail with 2 beer stops. Here Man Cruiser actually made me look in the other direction so he could beat me to being FRB to the end. What a racist bastard! We had on afters at an excellent bar where I found they had Delirium Tremens on tap. Came out to find everyone pissing on my car wheel in turns... Wankers.
I give thanks to those who didn't because they kinda saw the line, I give the finger to the pissers.

Wednesday morning I washed my car, went and got my oil changed and then watched the sky open up and heavy rain killing my $8 car wash. Fuck. It's time to get out of Atlanta.

Special Thanks to Pumpt'kin for putting me up at her place, Vegetative State for the ride to the hash, PWD for the suit for Prom From Hell (though fuck you for pissing on my wheel, what do you need, tweezers to handle that thing?) and Skin Flute Pie and hashers Lauren and Harris for doing several of the gnarliest hashes with me including Blacksheep and Darkside/SoCo.

I arrived in Augusta, GA Wednesday night, too late to hash (traffic took me an hour and a half to get out of Atlanta), but caught up with the group at the third beer stop. Attended circle where we saw a hasher get his 69th run in and I mentioned that he could do his down-down upside down like we do in Vegas, it was a hit!
Met some great hashers out there, crashed at ---can't remember names at the moment, will edit this--- and left the next day for Savannah. Couldn't find out the hash information, so I skipped over to the 95 South and started heading to Jacksonville for their Sex On On In The City event this weekend.

HOTlanta? Mylanta? At least it's Atlanta

I need to rewind for a second to Choo Choo Chattanooga. At the On Afters we were quietly going through hash songs (Jesus Saves in particular) after eating while finishing our beers. I went into my finisher:
Gretzky with the puck, he barrels down the ice, dodging one defender... Jesus at the goal... Gretzky has a clear shot, he positions himself, shoots...
JESUS SAVES! JESUS SAVES! JESUS SAVES!

I had but just finished when from behind me we hear, "and McSorely scores on the rebound!"

Our jaws dropped, we turned around and this old gent with his wife and daughter (and granddaughter) says, "You must be hashers."
Of course we were so we ask if he's one, he is a self professed "recovering hasher" who last hashed in 1983 under the name Gnarly Knot.
We chatted for a bit, he used to hash with Fort Hustus (sp?) and knew many of the older hashers that Choo Choo RA Hugh Heifer knew. All in all, pretty nifty!

Back to current events...
I arrived in Atlanta on Wednesday, stopping on the way in to take a tour of the Talladega (Nights) Super Speedway and the International Motorsports (read: NASCAR) Hall of Fame. Some of the older cars were really fun to look at, but post '80, they all seemed to switch to bare minimum frame with a rollcage and a fiberglass shell. I'd much rather race in something you can buy off a car lot and modify than a "one purpose only" built from the ground up for the oval car. My opinion at least.
Arrived at Pumpt'kin's place about 30 seconds before she got back from work, and we made Snakebites (half Harp Lager, half hard Cider), grilled some steaks, mushrooms and steamed Artichokes and had an excellent meal while talking about life, hashing and what-not.
The next day I helped her out with some gardening, then went and drove around the city for a bit before going to the S.L.U.T. hash.
It was a well laid 4ish mile trail by the hare Mister Fister that included a Natty Light beer check, some backroads and wood shiggy and hot dogs and burgers at the on-in.
I was FRB again, and RA Surly Temple ran the traditional circle with plenty of down-downs before closing things up, sans Hash Hymn #1.
Met a lot of great hashers, found out they don't have a wait period before namings and a couple other differences that I've come to expect from the different hashes I've hashed with over the past month+.
It looks like I'll be in Atlanta through the weekend (and then some) as today (tonight) they've got the SoCo/Darkside hash. A 10 miler through waist deep swamp. Massive shiggy is expected to say the least (they mentioned Kevlar vest on the website?)...
Tomorrow (Saturdee) is the Atlanta H4 (hared by Portugese Water Dog), followed by the Pine Lake H3's Prom From Hell, which is pretty much a block party that the hash is taking over (woot!). Then Sundee is the Black Sheep H3, which apparantely will be standard trail length with tons of shiggy. Mondee is Moonlight Monday Hash and then there's Two For Tuesday, a 2 mile trail with 4 beer checks. Needless to say I'll be busy.
Come Wednesday I'll be getting out of Atlanta and moving South to Savannah, GA where there's a hash running that night. I "half" expect to be in Florida by the weekend, but I'm starting to enter serious multi-hash territory.
I expect major Flabongo-(.com!)-ing in the next couple of days too, I need to clean out the suck-point though just in case there are any hash germs running around on there from when I got sick.

Ah, Birmingham!

Had an interesting time in this city. Arrived Monday and immediately
found myself on the wrong side of town (by Legion Field). I could tell
immediately that I needed to get back by UAB (University of Alabama
Birmingham), but the reaction I get from locals, I suppose I'm lucky I
didn't get shot... meh.
Anyways, crashed at a Motel 6 for the night, went to Sammy's
Gentleman's Club to pass the time, ended up talking to a stripper
named Heather (real name, don't remember the exotic stage name) for
the better part of an hour about her kids, the degree she's working on
(Veteran psychology) and watching a cat fight between another stripper
and a policeman's wife.
Much better expeerience than in Memphis. Yay. Who needs lap dances
over good 'ol convo? I mean, they're nice and all, but this was pretty
cool.
Today (Tuesday), I went up to the Vulcan statue that overlooks the
city, ate lunch at a local restaurant (Dreamland BBQ) and went to the
hash.
With probably the biggest group this year, the Vulcan H3 had a good,
4.5 mile trail with poorly laid flour up to the beer check and
excellently laid flour after. I'm not really sure what the hares were
after, but they gave a good mix of pavement (maybe a tad too much?)
and shiggy (no ticks this time, yay!). Ran us right past a lady golfer
who just may be showing up to a future hash (if I had anything to do
with it) and finished as an A to A.
I got in as FRB through some deductive luck over the last couple
checks and afterwards the GM/RA Beanie Weenie ran a tight ship on the
usual circle. Standard visitor hash songs for me (24 hrs and Mount You
) were hits as was Doggie's Meeting. Then they sent Hasher Christopher
off for naming.
Not being able to shut my mouth, I offered up a few suggestions
including the one that stuck: Wax On, Rubber Off (though Beanie's
suggestion of: Dude, Where's My Rubber? was genius).
Tonight I'm crashing at Children of the Porn's place (on the couch),
and an added bonus, Pumpt'kin has offered me her place to stay at in
Atlanta through the weekend! I hope to stop by Hugh Heifer and Cock
Block & Tackle's place tomorrow on my way to Atlanta to pick up a
robot chicken that apparantely needs to be returned to the Netherlands
(Hugh picked it up in Perth during Interhash).